I’ve sat down & opened blogger so many times over the past four months. My hands have been aching to type out the thoughts & emotions. My heart has been heavy with anxiety over reliving those days. My head is swirling with posts that I know I need to write. But mostly, I’ve ignored this place. I’ve ignored the thought of writing. I’ve pretended like I don’t get joy out of writing or sharing. I’ve simply put this blog of mine on a shelf & let it get dusty & forgotten.
It’s funny, you know… the mind. It plays such tricks on you when you’re vulnerable. Like one minute I have this deep desire to just be alone and write everything out for hours and hours. And then that feeling is gone and replaced with the idea that nobody cares. Or that worse, nobody will understand.
Am I the only one who struggles with that? The thought that what I write here doesn’t make any impact on my readers… The thought that I haven’t been missed… The thought that most of this online community didn’t even notice I was gone…
And that’s where I’m smacked upside the head with the truth… this blog is not mine. If I’m out to make an impact, then nothing I do is for my own gain. I shouldn’t care if people read this or react to it or notice I’m not writing. It’s not about you. Sorry, it’s not. It’s not about me either. I mean, I get a serious feeling of refreshment when I write things out but its not about me. It never can be. Not if my goal is to reflect Christ.
It’s about the story, the testimony that God has given me. That He has given my sweet Emma. The road He has told us to walk. He has given me the ability to share that. To perhaps, write something that is exactly what someone needs to hear. To tell you what I went through & what He lead me through so that my struggles, my faith, my story can impact the life of someone. Maybe what I went through is for you, as much as it is for me…
So forgive me for denying His call on me, on this blog.
And bare with me as I take the time to open up that journal on my phone from May 21st. And journey back to some of the darkest days that I’ve experienced so far in this life. The days that tested my faith minute by minute. The days where I screamed out, begging Him to work miracles on this little person that I had only just met. The days when I trusted. And the days when I didn’t. The days when I felt completely surrounded by support & encouragement. And the days when I felt completely alone.
My heart was so messy, friends. And quite honestly, it still is at times.