Do you ever feel like all eyes are on you? That you can’t do anything without a long list of people finding out? That even if you don’t do something wrong, people still know about it & that bothers you just a little?
It’s like the spotlight is always on. Always charged. Always bright.
You might ask why have a blog if you are embarrassed by what people will see? Why write things if you don’t want others to know about it?
It’s a balance that I’m certainly still learning to navigate.
I read this post today & it go me feeling, well, convicted if I’m being honest with you.
Not about the abundance of ad emails, because I don’t have even a tiny ounce of that problem but about the integrity. There is one paragraph in particular, towards the end that really resonated with me. It was when she wrote about being a (pastor’s wife-which I’m not) & Christian & what kind of things she says & does in public. She has to be selective with who she chooses to let advertise because of people who may see it.
It made me stop & think. I HAVE to agree with her. Whether I like it or not, this blog of mine isn’t so private to my real life anymore. Yes, I’ve always written about my real life but just recently did people that I know in real life start reading it. And in no way am I saying that what I write will change or be different. But perhaps what I choose to endorse will. Not simply because they are watching, but because now I’m being held accountable for what I put up on this little internet real estate of mine.
As a leader of a ministry, I would never want one of my GLOW girls (or worse yet, their parents) to click on an ad I have displayed only to discover a blog that doesn’t meet the standard I am trying to teach them every time we meet. Does this mean I am removing sponsor swapping? No. Not at all. Does this mean I will now be doing a bit more research before I agree to swapping? Yes. And is it possible, that with a grace & kindness I’m learning to display, I will have to decline a swap with someone? Sadly, yes.
This is my space. My thoughts. My life. I will undoubtedly continue to write about those things. I try my hardest not to worry about what my real life friends & family will think about what I say. Once I let that worry take over, I’ve lost the heart of this & I should stop.
But in relation to who I support, that’s going to change. Judgment is a quality that I wish would disappear but just like I’m guilty of it, I know others are too. And if that’s what it takes to make me open my eyes & really do the work necessary before agreeing to something, than I’ll do it. Not be judgmental of others because. But choose to be concerned with the judgment of those that I am affecting in real life by agreeing to advertise for those people. And if that means I don’t swap with anyone because they don’t agree with me, then so be it.
My integrity matters. I hope it matters to you. And I hope that you don’t think I’m trying to throw stones at you. I make mistakes, let me be the first to admit. But I’m choosing to acknowledge them. To work on them. To not support people who make them with my blog.
It might seem small and unimportant to some of you. But to me, it’s a big deal.