Tuesday, May 28
Waking up alone was not something I was ready for. This was the first day, since the night I had her, that I have been alone for any amount of time. Besides pumping, I have been either with Mike or someone every second of the day since I arrived in Buffalo. In a normal situation, as a new mom, I probably would have welcomed the alone time after a week of sleepless nights, lots of feedings, navigating motherhood. But. This was not that circumstance, And I was sad.
The drive into the hospital was awful. It was raining so hard & traffic was moving so slow. Basically the weather was representing how I felt.
When I get to the hospital, I see that they have taken the IV out of her forehead. For a brief second, I feel joy. Until I notice that it’s in her hand now. The nurse didn’t like how the IV looked, E’s head was swelling a bit around the needle, so she moved it before an infection started. Although not as bad, it still looks uncomfortable for Emma. She’s also back under the jaundice lights because her levels dropped. Nurse said she drank 30 ml from the bottle, but it was under duress & if she doesn’t start drinking more, they will have to put the feeding tube back in.
Talk about a tough morning. And I was alone. I missed Mike something fierce. I wanted Emma home. She had been in this world for a week, yet she has spent every single second of that in the hospital. Our initial thought that her stay would be just a few days had turned into an entire week. And nobody was saying a discharge was coming soon.
After E falls asleep, I head out to make phone calls. I need to call my midwife, Emma’s pediatrician, and the hospital.
When I went back in the nurse was feeding Emma a bottle. She let me take over, but E wasn’t having any of it. The nurse put the feeding tube back in her nose & poured the rest of the bottle down the tube. She only took 20 ml and they are concerned. The guarantee that I am still able to hold her with the feeding tube in, but for now she needs to go back under the lights.
I go pump. And feel completely discouraged. My milk reserve for E is completely gone & I feel like a complete failure. She is getting formula because I just can’t produce enough to keep her stocked. I text my friend Sara, probably a completely neurotic text message & she instantly calls me. Serious words of encouragement from that lady. She told me that nursing is all emotional. My stress level was more than likely affecting my production. Yes drinking water keeps me hydrated, but no amount of water was going to magically increase my supply. She told me to try keeping my hormones happy. And to pump for at least 15 minutes every time. Even if I’m not getting a lot.
By this time Tree, Brittany, & Seth come up. Seth prays over Emma & it does so much good for me to hear. I pray over her nonstop, but when someone else does it. It really does show you just how much people cared for my girl during that time. I so appreciate his plea to the Lord. They take me out to coffee to relax & chat. Tree & Brittany can tell that I am feeling so discouraged & frustrated, so what else do they do but stop at nothing to get me smiling. They encourage me & cheer me on.
Once they leave, I spent some time just sitting at E’s bedside until Mike gets there. A smile the size of Texas was plastered on my face. Until he tells me that he took the next day off and would be staying the night!!!! Yes, friends. My husband is so much more than I deserve. His whole world was in a hospital & he knew where he needed to be.
We go to dinner with his parents before letting them spend some time with Emma. Mike gets to feed & hold Emma while I pump before we head to my cousins for the night. I spend some time doing children ministry work before sleeping.
I remember feeling so grateful this day when M got there. It was almost like a rejuvenation to my soul. This Tuesday was hard. Being without him. And I know that the Lord was working all things for good that night. His plans are not my own. He knew that I would need Mike, more then I ever had, the following day.
The day the genetics doctor would walk in and literally take the air completely out of my chest…
to be continued…