Church. Part 13

Sunday, June 2

I won’t deny that I was feeling overwhelmed before we even arrived at church. I knew I needed to meet God that morning. I knew that I needed to lay everything on the alter. Although I knew I needed to ask forgiveness for the anger that was brewing in my heart but, all of that didn’t have me feeling anxious.

It was seeing people. Seeing everyone who had been sending us encouragement and prayers. It was having them look into my eyes and know how weary I was. It was answering their questions. It was my own struggle, really.

Being in worship & hearing God’s word preached, did so much for my heart. I was aching for this season of life to be over, this season of frustration & waiting. But, being there, made me feel confident that He had us in that exact place for a reason that we just didn’t understand yet. And may never understand.

We didn’t stick around too long after service. I needed to pump & we were eager to get back to our girl.

Tony drove us back up & the nurses told us that she didn’t eat much while we were gone.

Monday, June 3

Lynn is back! There isn’t much progress to report, E still doesn’t seem interested in eating.

We give her a bath & she loves it again. It seems to be her happy place & she is just the cutest with all of her smiles.

I try nursing again, but she doesn’t seem at all interested. She keeps pulling away and not latching. It’s frustrating. It seems like she doesn’t want anything to do with. We prayed at church that her appetite would increase & my supply would increase. It felt like that wasn’t happening. Mike took her so that I could go pump & she starts sucking her pacifier hard. And starts rooting. More frustration.

Once she’s asleep, we go walk around the mall & get lunch.

Mike tries feeding her when we get back, but she barely takes 5 ml. I can tell Mike is pretty frustrated today. He is feeling discouraged at the lack of progress & it’s getting him down. I so badly wish I could do something, anything to make things better.

His parents come up & visit. We head to dinner before they take Mike home for the night.

Tuesday, June 4

The speech pathologist is coming in at 9:30 to meet with me. Seems odd that she would have any advice to offer, but the dr’s think she might have some help with the way Emma is sucking. She didn’t offer much advice after feeding Emma. She told us to use a specific nipple because it seems to be the one E drinks the best from.

I hold her while the rest of her feed goes down her tube.

Ultrasound comes in to check her head. I don’t remember what they were looking for & I didn’t write it down. I remember Emma didn’t like it. I held her pacifier in during it & she was very fidgety.

When I got her back to sleep, I left. I pumped one more time before heading home for the night.

My kindergarteners were graduating that night & it was important that I was there.

I stopped at the church on my way home.  I only meant it to be a quick stop, but I ended up staying for a few hours.

Mike told me that I needed to just relax when I got home, but instead I did laundry & cleaned my house.

The graduation was cute & it was so nice to see my kiddos & coworkers.

Afterwards, Brendon, Tree, Seth & the girls come over for ice cream. It’s nice to just relax and talk about anything other than what is really going on.

to be continued…