A New Word.


Last year, when I picked my word, I had no idea that God was totally going to test every aspect of it. That He was going to make me work hard to remain true to it.

That word was trust. Oh friends, I might be crying a little as I think back on the past year. As I read my post from last January. The one that I talked about trusting Him, with everything.

I wrote this… “I’m trusting that Mr. will find a more financially stable job, one that ensures comfort for me staying home. I‘m trusting that the Lord will provide a nice home for us, one that I will finally get to call my own. I’m trusting that our sweet little peanut will enter this world healthy and strong. I’m trusting that my faith will grow. I’m trusting that my relationship with Mr. will continue to increase.  I’m trusting that the Lord will continue to bless Believers Chapel. I’m trusting that the Lord will continue to grow friendships that foster respect and guidance. I’m trusting that I will continue to be blessed by the amazing girls in GLOW and Pearls.

I’m trusting that I will have enough trust.”

Wow…. God has been so good to us. He really has. I look back on that paragraph and feel a twinge of disappointment. A little bit of sadness. A whole lot of happiness, though. Mike does not have a new job, but the Lord has met our financial needs every single month…down to the penny. We have a home. A nice one. Our little peanut entered this world. Not entirely healthy or strong, but alive & beautiful. My faith has most definitely grown. My relationship with Mike was forever changed the day we became parents together. In the most wonderful way. The Lord has blessed Believers Chapel in so many ways. It is growing & we are seeing lives changed for Christ. I have gained some of the most dear friendships with women who provide so much guidance. The girls of GLOW continue to blow my mind with their hearts and their desire to know Him more.

But I didn’t have enough trust. Keeping it real here. The month of May completely tested every ounce of trust I had. I wanted to run the opposite direction of trust. It was a struggle to rest in the promise that trusting him would keep me secure.

I mean really, 2013 was a year of so much joy. So much change. And so much growth.

But something feels different about 2014. I wish I knew how to explain it. Or even how to understand it myself. It’s just different. I’ve been praying about a word to commit to this year. One that will force me to focus in on my weakness & work hard to change.

It’s like 2013 basically chewed me up & spit me out. In a way that showed me how much grace God gives me every single morning I roll out of bed. My feet hit the ground & I NEEDed to be reminded that none of what I do is me. The silence I heard at certain prayer requests left me feeling unsure & antsy. I wanted immediate answers. Immediate “fixes” for all my problems. I wasn’t trusting. I was not at all confident that His silence still meant something. But It did. It always did.

I can reflect on this past year until I can’t stand my brain wandering anymore. I can decide that my suffering and pain were all for nothing. Because of my selfish & sinful ways.

Or I can realize that my suffering and pain were His ways of reminding me that I am dependent on Him. That all He did, worked together for joy. Each piece wove together to start a testimony for Emma & add on to my own.

The feelings of happiness & sadness that I felt simultaneously were ok. It was ok because He was doing a work on my heart. He was showing me that I am nothing apart from Him. I can accomplish nothing without Him.

So this year, for 2014, I want to surrender.

/ My son, give me your heart, and let your eyes observe my ways. Proverbs 23:26 /

Surrender my pride. My marriage. My child. My job. My home. My relationships. My emotions. My desires.

I know...He loves all these things more than I ever will, or could. He will protect these things.

“I lay me down I’m not my own 
I belong to you alone 
Lay me down, lay me down 
Hand on my heart this much is true 
There’s no life apart from you 
Lay me down, lay me down 
Lay me down, lay me down”

I want to surrender & know…

That this freedom & surrender will be visible in my life by how I serve God and others.

That I won’t hold onto fear or anxiety or the unknown of the future.

That I won't have a death-grip on my child's health.

That I won’t be anchored to material things or things that hold no value at the end of the day.

That I won’t be consumed with expectations. My own or others.

That I will release the messed up view I have when I think about myself. My insecurities & the things that make me wish I was someone different.

/ Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. James 4:8 /

I know that the Lord is going to grow my faith even more this year. When I prayed & asked the Lord to teach me trust last year, He showed up. This year, when I pray & ask the Lord to teach me to surrender, I want Him to show up.

I’m saying want a lot in this post. I do want these things. I want to surrender. But ultimately it is a need for me. I haven’t been laying myself down. I haven’t been. And that has to change. I can’t live this life on my own. I can’t live this life apart from Him.

“It will be my joy to say Your will Your way 
It will be my joy to say Your will Your way 
It will be my joy to say Your will Your way always”

My surrender will be a struggle. A commitment every single morning. Scary. Yes, I’m a little scared at what He will do with my surrender. A good scared. A scared that makes me smile & jump.

He can take my desires, my longings, my family and turn them into something beautiful…

If I surrender them. If I give them up. If I not just loosen, but completely let go of my grip on them...

I will find joy in this season of surrender…

/ Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! Psalm 46:10 /


Alli said...

What a great word! My word this year is "grace"

Ashley said...

THIS. You're amazing, friend!!