Update : My Word

I think it’s high time I give an update on my word for 2013. I chose the word trust; which means as a noun assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something and as a verb to place confidence {in something}. I, clearly, have chosen to place my trust in God.

In an attempt to keep this little online journal of mine on the honesty up & up, I’ll share how I’ve really been doing with this. Not just the way I wish I was doing.

I have struggled.  I have been selfish & doubtful. I have, more times than I like, depended on myself instead of God. I have grown frustrated with where we are & let my own negative thoughts dictate how I look at a situation.

We are still living with my in-laws & I can’t even say I see a light at the end. Mike hasn’t found a job that will provide more income. We haven’t found a place we can afford. {mostly because I haven’t looked because it just ends up making me sad to look & see all of the places we can’t afford} Sometimes I wonder what lesson I’m supposed to be learning. I mean, I clearly have developed A LOT of patience over the past year and 4 months. But to say I have gained a peace over where the Lord has us right now would be a lie.

There are times I feel as though I should get myself another job. A part time one that would bring in extra money. On top of full time teaching and working at the church I don’t exactly know where that would fit in, but I question if I’m doing enough to get us out of the situation we are in. It’s frustrating to just simply not know. Which I’m learning is a HUGE place God brings us to. A place of simply not knowing. How else would we learn trust?

Not to say that life has been awful. We paid off our final credit card two weeks ago!! And the very next day the door on our car broke. Of course Mike figured out how to fix it, but that didn’t excuse the anxiety that built up in my heart about having to pay for a repair if he couldn’t. It’s as if we make progress & then something sets us back.

We are declaring God’s promise over our lives. That He already has our story written. That He already knows where we will be in June when baby e comes. And what job Mike will be working. And what our finances will look like.

I know all of that. I know that God provides.

I just hate that in my own selfish human nature, I can’t rid myself of worry and distrust. I said I wanted to trust more and feel secure. I wanted to doubt less and stress less.

Have I done that?

Simply put, no.

I think that’s why God offers grace. We aren’t perfect. We don’t always have it together. We aren’t always confident in trusting.

But what we are, is a child of the most high. The creator of all.

So being 2 months into this year & my commitment to trusting, I’m continuing to grow. I’m pressing on with this word.

I’m making a daily effort to rely on the promise that when I trust in God, nothing is impossible.